In the beginning part 3: Goodbye to full time employment.

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With all of her symptoms picking up speed like a snowball going down a steep hill the end was in site.  No, not that end.....the end of work.  This would be the biggest hurdle ever. How does someone transition from being a productive full time employee to being at home full time?  Here's the answer: you don't.  No matter how much planning and thought go into it there simply is not a smooth way to do it.  In Jenn's case she was young, very intelligent, vibrant and a good employee.

Jenn had been missing work off and on for a couple months.  Day here, day there, three days and a week there.  The main cause was dizziness and the others where sick days.  With her compromised immune system a common cold quickly dove tailed into the flu.  She was beginning to see that working was going to go away.  Fighting with everything she had to keep working wasn't enough.  The physical symptoms along with the mental ones were winning this battle.

I looked at our finances to see what the impact would be of her not bringing in an income.  It was going to be tight but we could do it.  At this point there was no choice it had to be done.  The unknown for me spooked me for a bit.  What if we don't have enough money to pay the bills?  What if Jenn's keeps going down hill and needs someone with her full time?  What if, what if and what if.  Again, I realized the "what if?" game is a loosing proposition.  I certainly wasn't going to gain from it and it would only add to Jenn's more than full plate if she knew what I was thinking.  My solution: give it to God.  I found be giving it up I removed all the clutter in my head and I can better focus on the right now.

Now the idea of not going to work and being home full time is a complete shock to the system.  The physical affects of her MS are the most part obvious but the mental and emotional hell is worse.  Scared, guilt, depression and shame clouded her head like a like a rainy Northwest winter day.  Nothing prepares you for that.  A health based decision as big as this really hits you from every angle. I was the one encouraging her to quit working.  She (be practical) said "we can't afford for my loss of wages".  I countered, "actually, yes we can.  I did the math.  It's going to be tight but we can due it".  Honestly, at this point I didn't care about the finances.  As long as we had food, shelter and transportation the rest was whatever.  Even if we had to file bankruptcy.  Her health is worth way more than any amount of money.  We'll thank God, we did make it and did hit any huge financial bumps in the road.

Decision time.  After making up her mind to leave work she slowly and secretly started packing up her desk over a period of a few days.  The next Monday rolled around and she called in sick.  This daily call to tell them she would be out continued for a few days.  After missing more work and now knowing she has MS her employer called and said we need to know if you are planning on coming back to work.  I get it, they have a spot to fill and they can't just let her go.  Jenn replied "no, I will not be coming back". The credit union explained the process of filing short term disability claim and what to expect.  All in all the credit union was pretty good to Jenn.  We have heard many stories from other MS fighters who had nightmare experiences.  

I told Jenn all along that this would be her opportunity to focus on her health.  I knew (and so did she) that she couldn't work and get healthier.  It really was the best decision even as tough as it was.  The transition from full time work to being home full time had some bumps.

Day one of being home full time I get home from work and all of the living room furniture was rearranged.  I asked why and she replied "I had to do something productive".  Even though the furniture was better off the it was before I understood why.  In the first few months I came home from work to find the furniture rearranged on several occasions.

Next up: big fancy dinners. Jenn is a great baker and a good cook.  She started making really nice dinners.  Honestly, they where fantastic but I thought they where over the top for two people.  Jenn said "I really want to make nice dinners since I'm home full time".  It ends up these dinners where labor intensive and wiped her out.  I said "I love your dinners but please stop.  I would rather have you feeling okay and have leftovers rather than you being completely wiped out from making dinner". She was concerned I would see her as lazy if she didn't make the nice dinners.  She's not lazy and never has been.  The thought never crossed my mind but the mental/emotional mind games MS brings was responsible for this line of thinking.  

That is it for the "In the Begining" series.  Next post is "I look up to and admire my wife and the fight she puts up with her MS".

Thanks for reading,

-Brent

Reject Defeat